Joining a dating site and including small details like my height and astro sign in my bio, but leaving out the fact that I have a WHOLE CHILD must be catfish behaviour, right? Yea, at first I thought so too. But after a few days of proudly wearing the ‘Boy Mom 👩👦’ sign in my bio, I started wondering if I was being virtually 🐓blocked by my kid, and decided to delete it for a bit. By the time you finish reading this, you will understand why I’m never putting it back.
Before I start pleading for my Mom Squad ID to be reinstated though, I feel like I owe you another explanation: why am I even on Tinder? (Isn’t that for old men trying to cheat on their wives, aspiring sugar babies, fuck boys, and people who are either so ugly or terrible that they can’t find someone in real life?)
Well friends, after being single for over three years, I’ve drawn the conclusion that I must be terribly ugly. There is no other explanation. I met the requirements to be with the average Jamaican man from the moment I popped out of my mother’s vagina with one of my own. I upskilled by becoming literate. I even went the extra mile to develop a decent personality (bonus points for my sense of humour). To top it all off, I even got myself a job, so I’m not a liability to whoever I date. The only thing that could make such a great package unattractive to the average man is… well… an unattractive package.
If you think my standards might be the issue…
At first I thought so too, but my relationship history has proven to me that I clearly don’t require much of men. Physically, I like when they’re at least in my line of vision, but I won’t say I’ve never rubbed a man’s head affectionately while he was standing next to me. I like when they are proficient in the English language, but I, too, have woken up to ‘Good marnin beutiful. I dream saw you last nite. How or you?‘ before. I like to think that my ideal type is roguishly masculine, financially stable, and good looking but… ummm… OK, some of you know my exes so let me not say anymore on that… But you get the point. My standards are not unreasonably high, and they have never been.
But still, no catch 🙄
So after casting my net far and wide for the last few years and having to throw back sardine after sardine, and after admitting that I don’t have the most approachable facial expression on most of the time, I decided to try fishing in the vast virtual pool of Tinder. Some fun-looking pics from my river adventures with Inty, some nice selfies taken on good days (relax, I may not be Belle but I’m no beast either 💁🏽♀️), and a carefully carefree bio later, I’m on Tinder! Ready to find Mr. Right Now(s).
⚠️TINDER-NON-USER CRASH COURSE: Basically, you create a profile, and tell the app what age range and gender to show you. It then suggests an endless list of profiles to you, and you swipe right if interested; left if not. Some of the suggested profiles have seen you already and swiped right. If you both swipe right on each other, it’s a ‘match’ and you can start messaging each other.
Everything went left.
I remember joining Tinder on a Sunday evening while my son was at his dad, so believe me honey, I had time. After the initial accidental right swipes and super likes, I just kept swiping left.
So, yea, we’re swiping like… left… left… left… ooh he’s cute… no, he’s smoking in this pic…left… left… this one nuh too bad… oh, his bio says he’s ScotiaBank CEO 🤦🏽♀️… left… too short… left… no bio… left… bio cliché…left… kids in his pictures… left… unforgiveable grammar… left…
After about half an hour, just when I started hearing Irreplaceable in the back of my head, I finally saw him. A man I could see myself lowering my standards, and perhaps some clothing, for. He seemed like a well-adjusted, employed, decent looking, man.
I swiped right, and to my absolute shock and horror, nothing happened. I closed the app, watched a movie, then came back. Still nothing (pedazo de mierda😒).. So, in trying to salvage my self-esteem, I swiped right on the next 10-or-so profiles that weren’t absolutely ridiculous, just to have some options.
It seemed to me that all they saw was the MOM sign
And it’s not that they were unkind or anything. It was just the thing that stood out to them the most, and so they’d either use it to start the convo, or bring it up a minute in. You’re probably thinking there’s nothing wrong with that, because after all, I’m a mom, right? But those experiences cause me to take the M word out of my bio for good, for these reasons:
1. ‘MOM’ attracts DADS
I. don’t. date. dads. Yes, I see the question marks and hypocrisy all over that. Granted, I dont have much experience dating anyone at all, but based on what I’ve learnt growing up with a single dad, and from what I know about child-sharing arrangements, I’d rather just avoid all of that if I can help it.
The way I see it, a man with children will fall into one of these 4 categories:
A- Babymama drama – Because let’s face it, not every man gets as lucky as my child’s father did, and shit, even I was a mess at one point. And if he’s really a good man, why are they no longer together? Nope.
B – Dead-or-half-dead Beat Dad- He technically has a child /children, might be sending money to the mom, but plays little to no part in the actual parenting. Nope.
C- Full-time dad – This man gets the end of the stick that most single moms usually get. Kid/s lives with him, he does it all by himself, whether because the mom died or migrated or is somehow incapacitated. It’s great and these men should be protected at all costs, but make no mistake this man is looking for a mother for his kids. Am I ready for that kind of commitment? Nope.
D – The rare dad I would date – This man has one child (maximum two). His ex probably cheated on him why they broke up, or they both just grew apart, but they have moved past whatever it was (and it definitely wasn’t totally his fault), and are now on good terms. She is now settled with someone new, preferably married, and is still very much in her kid/s life. They split responsibilities fairly evenly, and he is not in a hurry to settle down. Bingo!
But I’ve accepted that type D is not very popular on the market, and in any case he wont necessarily be looking for a single mom to complicate his life, so he’ll probably not advertise this in his Tinder bio. But the others will, especially type C. And C is not the goal.
2. Nobody nuh want nuh single mother just suh
I gather that for every type of single dad I listed above, there is the corresponding type of single mom. Only difference is that in our context, most single moms are the C (full time mom) type, and like I said, C is not the goal. Men are simple creatures, even the ones who have, or don’t mind kids. They don’t want financial or paternal responsibility for another man’s child. Because so many single moms in fact are, or are portrayed and treated as type C’s, it’s easy to believe that’s what we all are. Until proven otherwise, it will be automatically assumed that you’re searching for a man to be a father to your child… even if you’re just on Tinder looking for some D🤦🏽♀️.
Using my own assessment, I’d say I’m somewhere between a type C and D mom. Definitely not rushing to fill a dad-sized gap, financially or otherwise, but I’m the primary caregiver for my child. Having one kid, with some support from the other parent is a cute little carry-on, but it’s still some baggage, and it complicates things. Nobody likes complications.
3. I don’t wanna talk about the kid, dammit!
I love Ky, and I love talking about Ky with literally anyone who will listen… Anyone except someone I’m using to escape the damn kid, though.🙄
Knowing that I have a child from the get-go means the guy will bring him up to make conversation. Which means I have to provide information about him, which means I have to think about him, which, means I’m in mom mode. But honestly, sir, my kid is fine. He is normal. He does kid stuff. The fact that I’m on this app means he is either not around me or is fast asleep. Next topic, or next match.
4. Some men target single mothers
And I don’t mean just paedophiles.
Remember when I said Tinder is for people who are too terrible or ugly to get someone in real life? Yea it wasn’t a lie. Some real dicks, weirdos, and even criminals, hang out on there looking for vulnerable women to target and tell one bagga foolinish.
That night when I had mom in my bio, two of the profiles I matched with didn’t waste any time in telling me how badly they wanted to take care of me and my kid. Lol. Cause a mussi yessideh me born. 🤣
But remember I also said Tinder is for sugar babies. That was true, too. I reasoned that a 24-year-old mom is an ideal candidate to be a sugar baby, or some type of sex worker. Besides, the fact that I didn’t select a maximum age limit wasn’t doing much to deter the Shugberts and the nude curators on there. (FYI Kevin, you could’ve gotten free nudes if you played along 😒).
So I’m a mom-fish…
So because of all this, and when I thought of the fact that I’m practically invisible to most men when I’m walking with my son, I concluded that just by putting that one little three-letter word in my bio, I was virtually still walking around with him.
What I’ve started doing instead is talking to them first… If they ask about kids off the bat I tell them, but otherwise I keep it to myself until I start to like them. Y’know, let them see I’m smart and funny (enough 😉). Then after that ‘Hey, I have a kid’ convo, I just don’t reach out again. If they come back, then he is one step closer to becoming Mr. Right Now… Needless to say, my Tinder message box is full of tumble weeds. 🤣
Let me know in the comments if you want a follow-up post on this: I met my match and realized I wasn’t into him. If you’re just here for the mom-stuff, look out for my next post Oops! I snapped too far back😢
Ky’s Mom, ✌🏽