It’s really a weird thing for me, having so much to say and having nothing to say at the same time. Not being sure whether I want to try to put my feelings into a cryptic poem that won’t be understood by anyone, or if I want to lay it all bare for everyone to see. But chances are they wouldn’t get it anyway. They would think it’s a pity party. Is it? I don’t know what it is.
All I know is that tonight I feel. I feel a whole lot of things. Things I understand. Things I can deal with and will continue dealing with in the morning. I understand my feelings and I know why I feel like this. I have reasoned them out and they are justified. But that doesn’t make them any less real. That doesn’t make them go away.
Well, for one, I feel lonely. But it’s a weird kind of lonely. It’s a judgmental kind of lonely. It’s the kind of lonely you feel when you have people you can talk to, you have people you do talk to, but these people are just people you talk to. And it’s not even that whole ‘Im-so-messed-up-and-I-cant-trust-anyone-with-my-business-like-that’ mess. Pssshhh. People think their lives are more complex than they are anyway. It’s not like I have any deep secrets or issues that I’m bursting to tell someone but don’t feel close enough to anyone to tell them… It’s more like no one gets it. Well I’m not even sure I get it. I’m not even sure there is an it to be gotten. But yea, it gets sleepless in Spanish Town sometimes. It gets lonely.
I feel disappointed, too. In a whole lot of ways. Most unfortunately, I feel disappointed in myself. I have let myself down so many times recently. I have reasoned it out too. I know my weaknesses. At the top of the list is procrastination. But still, here I am, procrastinating instead of channeling this sleeplessness to somewhere it can be more useful (like the kitchen sink). I’m also disappointed to be having these feelings, knowing I shouldn’t be having them. I’m disappointed in some recent situations too, well, people, I guess. Like, tell me if this makes sense….
So, you know I’ve been single for a while. I have the baby and all, I don’t go anywhere, and I don’t put much effort into my appearance these days, and it’s not like I’m effortlessly gorgeous type anything, so it’s not like guys have been banging down my door….Or any type of banging at all. But there have been a few brave and noble (if a tad desperate) fellows, who for some odd reason might have convinced themselves to think that they just might find me somewhat attractive, or perhaps interesting. Whatever the mental disabilities though, there have been a few. Three to be exact. What was I saying why I brought this up? Oh, yea. So these guys, of varying ages, entered my lives at some point in the last few months. And none of them lasted in my DMs for a month. The thing is, I’m really not interested in anyone like that. Well, I am probably still a romantic, and maybe it’s just that I haven’t found “the one”, but these three blind mice all have the same tale (tail. lol *dies). They just got tired of being interested in someone who clearly was not interested in them. Maybe after a week of being the one doing all the Hey-what’s-up-ing, they just decided to wait for me to do it. And of course I never did. And I hope Kymani forgives me for this, but these poor fellows might have been led to believe I just don’t have the time of day for them, being sooooo terribly busy with my baby and work and school. But honestly, I know, despite whatever chaos is happening in my life, I can make time for a significant other. They just weren’t significant. But back to my point. These people were interested in me, and I blew them off, then got disappointed that no one was interested in me. And I know that’s so very brattish, but hey, feelings don’t care if they make sense. They just happen to you. They should have tried more. So I could keep blowing them off and feeling confident, right?
Ok, you don’t have to tell me. After writing it down, I realize it makes no sense at all. I’m not even going to read over that mess. Man, what is this blog post about? Maybe deep down I just need to talk to someone… but the person I’d usually hit up when I want to talk and don’t really have anything to talk about is offline, and I don’t feel like being annoying tonight. (Yes a you me a talk). The person hasn’t been giving me any good vibes lately either, I don’t know what the person’s (yes I’m deliberately not using pronouns so you don’t try to guess who it is) deal is. But I have a theory the person would probably deny that I’m sticking to, so I won’t ask about it. Some things are better left unsaid, I guess. Back to the blog….
Well yea, that’s it really. I was feeling kinda down when I started this. Feeling kinda up now. And I have some blog posts in me that I need to get out, but procrastination is a bitch. I also kinda don’t want to write about the topics I want to write about the most, if you get what I mean. So there is that “what to write about” dilemma going on too. Maybe I should do the career-wise thing and blog about current events and such..But eh. The world is full of enough opinions already. I don’t care to stamp mine on everything here. I prefer to write meaningless posts for you, my single faceless reader who I like to imagine is a male in your late sixties from Greece. I know you only like my blog because you just cannot relate to it at all and it’s a welcome diversion from your life as a tycoon and you just happen to have enough disposable income and feel inclined to pay me to keep making your day. Think about it. Let me know.
P.s. I just might call you daddy. *winks